Bid eBay Bye
Have you ever tried buying something on eBay? Chances are you have. I know I did. I mean I've placed bids on items; I just never actually won the auction. It's nearly impossible to win the auctions. The only people who win the auctions are the unemployed losers who sit at their computers all day long, waiting—like scavengers—until there are just 15 seconds left to the auction.
It sucks, doesn't it? Sure it does. I usually check up on the auction every hour or so. "Oh, great, I still have the highest bid on the microwave. I should start making room in the kitchen for it." When I come home, I check the results of the auction. God damn! Son of a bitch outbid me by a penny, 15 seconds before the auction ended! And it's always some bastard with about 12,000 feedbacks on his profile. All they do is buy stupid shit and sell their own stupid shit on eBay, all day long. Okay, fine, keep the goddamn microwave. At least I have a job.
I recently realized that eBay is the sickest and weirdest store on earth. All my life I imagined that the world's most disgusting shop would be in a tiny smelly hut somewhere in Peru, or maybe Cambodia. Nope, it's eBay—right here in the United States. You want a pelican's rectum? Go ahead and type it in on eBay. There you go, pelican rectums, two freaking pages of results.
It's not just sick and disgusting, it's weird too. I remember seeing an auction for a pretend girlfriend. A pretend goddamn girlfriend! Can you believe this? Of course you can, this is eBay. Here's what you get: A monthly love letter with your name in it, sprayed in perfume and several photos of this "girlfriend" of yours. What better way to show your friends and family that you're not gay, and you're capable of getting a girlfriend, be it a long-distance girlfriend. (Actually a pretend girlfriend, but they don't know that.) She was getting plenty of bids too. Can you believe it? It's shameful, ridiculous, pathetic and low. Some piece of shit outbid me at the last minute.
Written by Gregory Kogan on Apr 18, 2007